THOUGHTS

Photo by Braden Young

Currently I'm sitting in my bed eating a brownie. Which is a pretty happy place to be in life, lemme tell you. As I was sitting here though, I was just pondering about life and everything that it consists (who knew a brownie could bring on such deep thoughts). And I just thought to myself, "What is this life all about really??" Like okay I know what it's all about...but what makes me motivated to wake up in the morning? What keeps me going each and everyday?

Lately I've been having a bit of an identity crisis. You know, asking myself the 'who am I?' and 'why am I here questions?' I've felt like Zoolander after he doesn't win Male Model of the Year (lol).  These past several months have contained more life altering experiences than usual and it's thrown me for a bit of a loop...it's been an interesting experience to say the least. I've said here so many times that I am one that loves to have a plan. I love to know where I'm going and be able to have an idea of how things are going to turn out. I love to feel sure of myself and what I want out of life. It's why I waited for a missionary for the longest time because it seemed so solid and steadfast. Waiting made it easy to have an exact plan for my life...but sometimes the easy way isn't always the best way. And I think the Big Man Upstairs knew I needed to learn that. Hence, the many life altering decisions and situations as of late.

When things change it makes you really question and think about things. It's caused these questions in my head and made me wonder what I'm even doing here. I feel like I see people all around me who seem to have it figured out or know where they're going..know what they're passionate about. And man it stunk cause I wasn't exactly sure if I knew what I was passionate about...or who I even was.

As I've been pondering though there was one things that kept coming back into my head. Out of all the things that I had in my life that I felt passion for there was one that stood out more than the rest. And that thing was love. I feel rather silly that this is the thing that means the most to me because it's not even a THING. It's an idea really. And honestly, this makes me seem like one of those weak, silly, sappy girls...and I pride myself on being a strong, independent woman, gosh dang it! But truly, when I thought of what was motivating me in life and what I felt was the thing that I felt was my purpose, love was the only thing that came to mind. (?)

I just love to love other people. That sounds weird, but I really do. I hate it when I see someone who doesn't feel loved or feels unwanted. It hurts me to see others heartbroken. Whenever I see others I care for in pain, it truly pains me too and I want to do everything I can to fix that pain. It's weird, but I feel like the reason I'm here is to love people... It's strange to feel that way but it's the realization I've come to recently. To love people when other people haven't loved them; to know the reasons why others might judge them and to make them feel accepted. I'm extremely loyal (also probably why I love dogs so much) and love showing people that I'm there for them no matter what. I have a big love for children as well. Giving love to a little kid can change the world I think.

I'm still not sure what this newfound purpose of my life really means, but it's nice to figure out something about yourself, ya know? Thanks brownie, next time I have something to figure out in my life, I'll turn to you ;)