PERSONAL REVELATION

So I don’t often get super personal on here…but today I feel inspired to share a bit more than usual. I’ve gone back and forth on what I should say about this little piece of my life, I hope my words do it justice. Really guys, hardly anyone knows this about me, just my close friends and immediate family. But here goes!

On December 17, 2014, I received a mission call to serve in the California San Diego mission, as well as at the Mormon Battalion Church Site. I was to report to the Provo MTC on March 25, 2015 to prepare to preach the gospel in the English language. But, I have made the decision to stay. Okay okay...let’s talk about how I got here. 

So just over two years ago, the infamous age change for missionary service was made. If you aren’t a member of the LDS church, basically the age at which young men and women would be eligible to serve a full time mission for the church was lowered. Men now had the option to serve at age 18 instead of 19, and women were no able to serve at age 19 instead of waiting till 21.

All of us probably remember where we were when we heard the news. I remember I was up at my friends cabin. We were all 19 at the time so of course the news hit us HARD. On the drive home we could not stop talking about it. “Are you going to go?? Should I go??” The funny thing is, every single one of my friends said in that car that they thought they should go. But do you know what I said? “I think it’s awesome, but this doesn’t change a thing for me. I’m not going to go.”

And for a while I stuck to that mantra. I went on a study abroad, I did tons of fun things with friends, I dated lots of fun guys…but throughout these past two years, that mantra that I chanted to myself wavered at times. Often I questioned, “Well…should I go?” I saw so many girls just like me go and was a bit jealous of their experiences. And sometimes I would have spiritual moments where I felt like I was overwhelmed with the feeling to go…at other times I felt really right with staying. I could never make up my mind with what felt right. Back and forth I constantly went.

This past October, I had just ended a rocky, dramatic, back and forth relationship. And although the end was for the best it hit me HARD. Oh man, it was rough. It was my third break up for the year and man, I hit a low that was unlike any low I’d ever felt. It was rough guys. 

During this time I began to question my path. Although the mission thing popped into my mind from time to time, I had been mostly focused on dating. It was where I felt like I should be focusing my attention. But when this third heartbreak came, I questioned if my focus was in the right place. Is this not what I’m supposed to be doing right now? Why am I trying and trying and continuously failing with these amazing guys?

That week, my beautiful friend Eliza called me. I vented to her about my frustration and how I felt like despite my efforts, things were not going the way I wanted them to. I told her that I couldn’t figure out if I was having these experiences to learn and grow, or if things weren’t working out because I was not where Heavenly Father wanted me to be. During this conversation, the mission thing came up again.

Eliza has wanted to serve for a while and was feeling like it was the right thing. She asked me if maybe that was the right thing for me too. I had thought about it so many times but honestly, I had never prayed it out in my mind. I had never given it serious SERIOUS attention and received a definite answer. Every time the thought of serving had come into my mind I had brushed it away.

So this time, I took it seriously. I decided to pray and think hard about it. During this time I felt really good about serving. I thought, well maybe focusing my whole life on my Heavenly Father for a while would be good for me. I never felt super super sure, but it felt good. So I forgot my doubts, went with the good feelings, and started my missionary application.

I felt good and right about it a lot. Many times through the process I had amazing spiritual experiences where I felt like I was doing the right thing. Studying Preach my Gospel is awesome you guys, you should do it even if you're not going on a mission!

Then…about a week before I was supposed to have a meeting with the stake president, the final step before submitting my papers, I was OVERWHELMED with doubt. Is this what I want?? This is A YEAR AND A HALF commitment!! I was freaking out.

I remembered that quote from Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.” So I continued forward and submitted my papers. I figured that if I was on the right path, my doubts would be quieted and that right feeling would return. 

Unfortunately, that right feeling never came back. The weeks before my call came I was so unsettled. Every time I thought about it I was overwhelmed with stress and feelings of not-peacefulness. I held strong though. I said hey, maybe when my call comes I will be able to see myself in the place where I’ll serve and know it’s right. 

The day my call came was such a weird day for me. Just my family was there and one close friend. After opening my call I smiled and tried to act excited, cause I was supposed to be excited right? I walked my friend out to the car and he told me that he was proud of me and was excited for me. But the second I got inside and started talking to my mom, I just burst into tears.

Why did I feel so wrong? I just felt so unsettled about it. Honestly the only way I can describe it is like I was floating in a bubble above this whole things happening to me. I did not feel in it. I did not feel how I should’ve felt. I did not feel at peace.

Guys it was so hard to feel this way. I wanted to want it. I wanted to feel right and excited to go. It had felt right while I was filling out my papers so why had things taken a 180 turn and never gone back?

I constantly prayed for an answer to serve. I went to the temple, I fasted, I received endless advice from friends, family, and my bishop. But that unsettled feeling never went away. The feeling like I should go never came back. Not once. Not even for a second.

Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9 sums up what I was felling perfectly: "8 But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. 9 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me."

Honestly, I wish it could’ve been the right path for me. But I feel so strongly that for some reason I am needed here. In deciding to stay, the feelings of unsettlement went away. I feel so at peace. I am not staying for a boy, I’m not staying because I’m not sure of my testimony (the exact opposite actually). I’m not staying because I don’t think I could do it, I know I could. I know our Heavenly Father has a plan for each one of us. He knows us and our talents and skills and abilities. He knows where we are needed. He loves us and wants us to be happy.

I’m not 100% sure on the why of feeling the need to stay, but I’m so sure it is right. I know that I would have done so much good out in the field. But I know I am needed for a great good here. I’m sure one day the reason I needed to stay will be clear (hi that's faith, am I right?)

I saw this video a while ago but rewatched it just the other day and was so amazed with how perfectly it described how I feel about this situation. Often I wondered why if I wasn’t supposed to serve I didn’t receive that answer before I submitted my papers. Why I never felt 100% sure one way or the other like I do now. But I know this is why.

I’ve realized now that sometimes you have to jump all in, with both feet, in order to figure out if something is right. You have to get on your knees and pray and then you've got to get on your feet and go to work. You can’t just stand still and hope that God will tell you what to do and make the decision for you. You just have to make decisions, pray for guidance along the way and know that Heavenly Father will be there to help you figure it out as you go. He will not lead you astray. I'm so grateful for this experience because it taught me so much about personal revelation. Answers don't always come all at once. And they don't always come in the way or at the time that you want them to or you think they should. But the answer always comes.